odium

So much has happened to me these past few months... got hired at a great job and then fell inlove with it... Got fired accussed of something that i did not do... which suxs. I just realized that i have to be supper strong , for the love that I have had towards omeone has turned into ODIUM. I do not want him to touch me or talk to me or anything. I never ment anything. I do not know why i even cared for him. I will be very prudent about this situation a well as pragmatic. Lets call this male figure M... he has yelled to the bottom as well as the top of his lungs "I do not love you that way, and it needs to stop". I ask myself why wouldnt he want to give it a chance we know each other and all... He is not ready for a love like mine. My love is strong worth fighting for worth it all ... Three years is what I have given him... Let me start with the beginning of this this story of hopless love that just leads to hopeless love...

The Marine

I went to go see my friend that I fell for twice... The second time I got his itouch ipod... I got to see his e-mails and facebook... I had to see to move on... I have no idea how it came to this point? I know he is not for me he is gheto but I feel comfortable with him ... I don't care that he deployed well I do, but what I mean by that is I have to use this time to move on. Even if I have no one I have to mend my heart. I will be praying to God that I will not have these feeling for him.

birthday heart

Well I got older today... The day has come and gone... What can I say I cried , I laughed, I argued ... One thing that I had noticed though was the heart break. Every year brings another love, every year brings another heart break. Every year brings sorrow.. The lover that has come and go in my life are from another life time. matt, mike,rene and getting over the closer one, that I have to no matter what . I have to to see  him happy and help him and keep him in my life... If I could ever just get one drop of happiness in my life again I would be so happy.. Like I said birthdays come and go , They are just another day. Nothing special, nothing great... Just once just once....

I feel ok, I will be fine. He told me that he met this girl awhile back and they have been talking a bit on facebook and for hours on the phone. Last night he told me that they are going out tomorrow night which is tonight... The day before my birthday well that is ok... I will be fine... Reality just struck me...

My last Goodbye

Well I saw him again... But this time he proved to be a good friend... one that got mad, and choose not to get mad due to the fact that his time was limited because he was about to deploy. Even if I did make him fee bad and mad he cracked jokes left and right... I almost left Houston without a proper goodbye. He told me I was too late but I refused I knew I had to give him a proper goodbye. I did whatever I had to to get what I wanted. I know he cares about me... if he didn't he would not have done what he did. Yea so what he does not care about me in a couple but as a bestfriend yes he does. In the begining when we started the whole benifits we both knew what we were getting ourselfs into. I said this, "I rather have sex with you than with a stranger, I know you and I am comfortable with you ." He said " I feel the same way" ... we both agreed , that we were just friends... How we end up getting jelouse is another things on its own. I left Houston different. I understand him, more. He is one of those guys that does things to see you mad as a joke and wants to get away with things... I left with two amazing hugs that will have to last me 9 months , and I also left him with a kiss on his cheek , because we are what we are bestfriends. He reminded me something that he once told me almost 2 years ago that I had seemed to forget. "do you remember what I told you why I wanted to be friends with you", me "no I dont remember"... Him, "It was because of Iliana, I was tiered of everyone telling me , judging me on my looks and mistakes I have made, I was tiered of being the bad boy, the bad one. I wanted to prove to myself that I can be a good boy and help be a friend. I saw that you looked so sad when I first saw you and I knew exactly how you felt. I wanted to make you laugh any emotion but the one you had in your eyes, sad dissapointment, and lonely."
This is what I had said to him, " you are a good one, its just... well, I am sorry that is what you told me and I take you seriously".

As friendships grow stronger we as friends tend to learn more about each other. We learn how we are and why we do the things that we are. Michael, has been hurt more than others, but you know everyone crosses paths with someone that can help them.
I guess I was that someone for him and he was that someone for me when I needed someone.

He sought me when I was sad depressed, he knew what I was going through, he wanted to change that... and he also wanted to start new fresh with me... which is why I love him so much... he does not give up...

Yesterday he smied with a relif . I have not seen him smile like that in awhile. It was worth the long drive the argument, everything ... to hug him twice see him smile and ask me "so are you ok now? is that what you wanted," me "yes I am , but wait can i have another hug please" he hugged me agian tigher than ever before. I said "mike mike wait (i curled my finger towards me leading him back to me, to come back for a minute) can I tell you something and you promise you wont get mad at me?" he then responded "yea",  i replied "can i give you a kiss on your ckeek". he smiled and turned his check... i kiss him a friendly i love you kiss a simple plain uncomplicated ill miss you kiss... that is...

I love him so much more than I loved the others... I think its because this is based on pure friendship not dating...

I don't think he will love me that way... But that is ok... If that person is ment for you they will come to you eventually... right... even so all i want is for him to be safe and happy no matter what...

To you michael anthony ramirez

My bestest guy friend ever

You my only marine in my life

will be in my prayers till you return to you family

Till i am able to hug you once more darling ....

I want you to feel what I feel one day wather it may be with me or with someone else i just want  you to feel what i feel....

Sex, Money, Jelouse,Gossip can play wonders on your mind example: He paid for everything just to see me. He did not have to he was and is not my boyfriend to do so. SEX, we had only like 3 times with is a world record because we used to have it all the time. Jelouse, is never good.... Gossip, you know what I should not have done that, I should have told him what I felt right then and there, that he made me mad so then we could have talked it out...instead of getting mad and argueing the last 4 hours we had together...

Even though people only know one side of him i see the other side of him... the good...

I do LOVE HIM, but i have to find a way to get over him like that hopefully when he deploys it will go away...

plentyoffish.com

Well it is for sure...
He does not want anything with me, he is on a website, to get a date to find someone ... So that defenetly means that he will never see me as a potential relationship. So How do you just turn the switch off that is more than just friends to just friends?
I can't stop just thinking about him, I can't stop talking to him.

Gosh I dislike People that think this way

I have a very very close relationship with my family;especially with my little cousins. I have a specific uncle that always makes me feel unworthy of anything. He always belittles me in any way. I am almost done with school and I am looking for a job and I ask for his advise. Assuming that he has changed, due to the fact that I have not been around that much because of him(he does not know it). He advises me to apply at wal-mart , or landscaping... Seriously I gave him a weird look. I said "why would I apply there ?" he said," you need experience you have none. ", I said " I do have experience I have worked at a library for four and a half years and I have interned at the DA's as well as a law firm, now a substitute teacher. I have experience enough to get me started". He somewhat laughed with his stupid smirky smile and said the following lines "those little jobs do not count that is not experience." I just rolled my eyes (inside not literally), and said ok....

He also told me that "graduate school is not for everyone, what you need to do is GET a JOB"

one time I was trying to have a stimulating conversation with him, about chaucer, he flat out told me "wow you read that kind of literature I did not know that you did"... I told him " I am an English Major"... The subject was then DROPED...

I hate that he treats me as if I will never achieve anything in life. I want nothing to do with him. I hate how he belittles my aunt as well... He is a hypocritical man that does not help others and he calls himself a christian....

Realize

March 13th was my best guy friend's birthday. I did everything that I could do to make him feel special. He  had mentioned to me that he felt bad, that none of his so called friends in facebook had even noticed that it was his birthday. I was pissed that these two specific girls did not mention it at all they have known him longer that I have so that really made me mad. So I e-mailed these two supposedly close friends to say something to him because it was his birthday, and I had specifically told them not to tell him that I had contacted them. I recently checked facebook and all i got from him was a thanks, the other two got specifics like thank you :), and the other one got a thank you (name).... The e-mail I sent him was just a thanks as well and the text too. He never really shows appreciation on anything, except just push me away. Seriously, I do not feel like talking to him. I was once told to ignore him, as a ploy to intrigue him into me. I do not play games, I just do not feel like talking to him. He wants me to do be with any guy. I told him that I was with my best girl friend and her boyfriend and his cousin. I told him about that night and he told me that It sounded that I had a good time. Which I did, that guy was so stupid he made me laugh , and that not a "aww stupid cute " I mean he we literally stupid. His comments like why don't I take birth-control? He is a ginepig for a living. He is 32 , not stable does drugs... and is weird and loves techno music. What I tried telling my best guy friend that , I do not just want any guy, I know what I want. He simply told me that it seems to him that I am finding any excuse to not talk or be with any guy. I had reassured him that I am not waiting on him. If he thinks that I am waiting for him to make a move and stop looking the other way to see what we could be I am not. I told him " If you think that I expect anymore from our friendship then you are wrong." I do what I do, things will settle when they are supposed to. Get out... Get out .... More than friends , right I have enough friends, I do not need anymore friends. I know what I want.... He keeps telling me that I need to find a guy that will respect me, care about me, be there for me. My question is why is he so insistent that that guy shows up. I am the one that was there for him. Why can't he just see that and give me a little bit of credit. I mention to him that I appreciate , and not one time does he tell me , not once in our friendship has he ever said anything on how he was happy that I was there for him...

Why can he show just show..

Last night I had a dream that he told me that he will not be able to talk to be , because he will be 16,000 miles away from me. He was telling me that he wants to talk to me , but his words in my dreams were different , I knew what he was trying to tell me. Even though he did not tell me directly he was telling me. "Then we will talk, but I will be far I will be over 16,000 miles away, until Thursday ok" I could see him in my dream talking on the other line of the phone. His facial expressions were priceless as well as wordless. Today I actually looked up how far Afghanistan was and it was only about 8,000 miles from San Antonio Texas... The other 8,000 probably came from the heart on how far we were from each other. We will never be on the same page when it comes to our feelings. Denial or not, I will not wait for him. I am open for someone... Just knock on my door ok... just do it....

But one question is why am i dreaming about him? 

Night ONE

I expect no one to read this, as well as no one to know who I am. I was watching "House" and a thought came to me. Cameron was having casual sex with Chase, in the end Chase wanted more than just sex. What makes us human being that have a will to choose what we want and when we want it, what makes us believe that we can choose whom and how we fall in love? I keep watching shows that the third part tells the two individuals that they are in love. How can the third party tell them "how can you not see it , you and him are in love with each other". My best-friend told me that to be more spacific, she told me "I believe that you and him are in denial. I do believe that both of you are going to end up together and are just afraid." I do not feel that spark with that person. I do love him I just don't feel it. Anyways, I am almost done with school , after this semester I just need 2 more classes and tada. I do hope I get the research observal position. It sounds interesting. I was board and played around with my laptop, and recorded a few songs. I was joking and let my dad hear it and he said "wow get some money, you sound good." Wierd, I personally think I sound OK , but not good. I feel like I need more from life than school after this semester I have to get that, and get out more, so that I can have a significant other. well lets see how this blog goes.....